Toilet Paper!

Yes, toilet paper.  Now,most of you are thinking, who in their right mind goes out of their way to buy toilet paper on Black Friday?  The correct answer should be: Everyone.  With the coming Apocalypse, and who doesn’t see one coming.  Newt Gingrich might be nominated by the Republicans to run for the Presidency of the United States.  Who knows, he might even get elected.  A President of the United States with first name of Newt!  What else could be looming.  Maybe something even worse: Disco and Bell Bottoms.  With the Last Days upon us, what will everyone be desperate to horde?   Food, no, canned Pork and Beans and Top Ramen.  Shelter, no, everyone will be living in Walmarts.  No, everyone will be desperate for Toilet Paper!  Those with the Paper with be Kings.  So stock up.  Get those deals on 24 rolls, 36 rolls.  A whole box car if you can swing it.  And how about when the Aliens land.  And haven’t they already.  Just look around you.  Can the economic mess be anything but an Alien plot to take over the world.  If a massive, sexy, space ship lands at the next economic summit, and the Commander, a creature who looks strikingly like Yoda,  says something like, “Universal iPads, universal public toilets, and free elections for just $10, 000 per candidate”.  They would conquer the earth without firing a shot.  But the one thing the Aliens won’t have.  You guessed it, good quality toilet paper.  So, buy, buy, buy . . . toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper.  And make sure it’s 2 Ply!  We need to show a little class.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.  A celebration of Food and Family.  Well Food anyway.  The Family bit can be a mixed blessing.  But family relations and relatives are where we get some of our most entertaining stories.  Like when uncle Marvin fell asleep watching the Big Game and commenced to snore so loud that nearby wine glasses started to go off like small bombs, spraying wine along the spotless white table-cloth and shards of glass into the once delicious leftovers.  And of course the family dog, Calvin, decided he could do a half decent job of imitating Uncle Marvin, and by golly he did, and pretty soon half the dogs in the neighborhood are chiming in trying to out snore each other.  The family cat, Buffy, decided to climb up close to Marvin’s mouth so she can see how such a small orifice can produce such a terrifying phenomenon.  A family friend, Claude, a great fan of the Left Behind series decided this must be the rapture and edged towards the door so that his Leaving will be possibly unnoticed.  And, of course, Aunt Gerda, having downed 3 glasses of Vodka and orange juice, decided that now is the time to announce that she has made herself chairman of the Re-Elect Richard Nixon campaign, despite the fact that he is rather low in the Polls, and is rumored to have been dead for the last 17 years or so.  But that’s just Thanksgiving!  And we really do have a lot to be thankful for don’t we.  After all, Richard Nixon really is dead.  Isn’t he?